I honestly don't know where to begin or exactly how to write what I am feeling. At the moment I just feel, "sigh", I don't even know how to describe it.I guess before I try to write this post, I must confess I have no clue where it's going to go, so be forewarned! This post may make absolutely no sense!! I just feel the need to write and express my feelings.
Our time here is quickly approaching the finish line! Six months ago I probably would have cried just thinking about leaving. In fact, just 5 short months ago we were getting ready to leave America to come back. I was so ready for that day! Ready to come back and get on with our life here in Mali. But today, my feelings are totally opposite of what they were 5 months ago. I'm thinking to myself..."less than 150 days left!" "Is it time to go yet?" "Can we leave today?" I'm ready to get on with the next chapter in our lives, even though we don't exactly know what that looks like yet. I feel called to be a stay at home mom, something that I am so looking forward to! Our tentative plan is to go back to Florida and Arnett will resume farming. Where we live and all those other details have yet to be worked out. I do know that God could change our plans though, send us to the uttermost parts of the Earth if that's His path for us. I do desire to be obedient to His leading, whatever that may be. But honestly, right now, I'm tired of being a missionary! I don't want to go outside our house to do ministry. I just want to stay at home and be with my baby. I want my ministry to be to him! I guess I'm trying to jump ahead to what God has next for me before His timing. I hate that I'm doing this but it's the truth. I really want to do what God wants me to do but on days like today, my flesh and inner-self tend to be speaking a lot louder than that still small voice. Maybe it's because we've had a rough month or so. Zeke has been sick at least 3 times. I feel like we're in the doctors office every other week. Maybe it's because my papa is in the hospital. Praise God, he's doing much better but on Friday, it didn't look so good. I was trying to decide whether or not to go home and see him. I just don't know, I just want to know, "is it time?"
For those of you reading this, will you please remember me in your time with the Father. I really do want to finish our time here strong. To look back and know that I ran a good race and finished strong. However, on days like today, I wonder why I even bother! Until next time...
2 comments:
We have never stopped remembering you ... and never will. We love you both so much. God is going to continue to use you no matter what. As the day approaches i want to keep up the conversation. Perhaps we can link arms for West Africa in the future. Just because you leave Mali, Mali does not have to leave YOU!
Hang in there, Crystal. If you think back, you will likely remember the same feelings the last few months before you left for Africa. Tired of doing your stuff in the States, just wanting to be "there" already. I think it's part of the leaving process. Praying that these last few days and weeks will be a sweet time of fellowship with your Father, your family, and your friends there. Praying for the grace for you to be truly there where you are. I know it's easier said than done. Been there!! You guys are doing an AMAZING job!
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